Well hello there! Been a long time. No posts on here but I am pretty active on IG(@smalltownblackgirl24), twitter(@smalltwnblkgirl), and FB(Smalltownblackgirl). Also I have a video up on my YouTube channel(Smalltownblackgirl24). Please subscribe, follow, and like me on social media! 😁😁
Well without further ado, I want to talk about motivation and ME.
I’ve been wanting to blog and vlog for years. Been in the YouTube loop since like 2008 and am still a chronic YT user. So out of a job at the moment..I’ve got all of this free time and I still can’t find the motivation to do what I love to do or just perfect my craft as far as photography and videography and blogging my life. Have always had a hard time keeping a journal..
I suffer from depression, anxiety, mood disorder, PMDD, PTSD, some BPD, and ADHD. While this is no excuse, these ailments effect my everyday life and the people in it. Lots of internal struggles I deal with. You know like being anxious then getting anxious because I’m anxious then getting depressed because I’m anxious then depressed because I’m depressed that I’m so anxious and slipping into a self loathing state. Usually lasting hours or days. These emotions are much like a washing machine set to spin cycle. Completely overwhelming. Usually by the end of the day after I have had my spin cycle I’m exhausted and because I have anxiety I have adopted insomnia as well on some nights/mornings so therefore I wake up cranky and anxious!! Ugh. The struggle is real.
Motivation tho. Motivation to live life is hard. I’m not going to lie. Having a hard time motivating yourself spills into all parts of life, as it has here and on YouTube. If you’ve ever just sat in an empty quiet room talking to a camera on a tripod recording you’d understand the struggle. It’s very challenging to appear confident in that setting. So right now I’m at a motivational block and my self confident meter is broken. Lol. I’m still very much interested in blogging and vlogging..I’m just at a block.
So to help myself along I have signed up for DBT. Dialectic behavior therapy. This therapy combines cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice(please google DBT for more info). So far I’ve gone to two classes and I’m loving it! I have social anxiety and opening up to a group is hard but everyone is made to feel really comfortable. According to the path my life was and still is sometimes DBT(along with regular therapy) is a choice I needed to make or I’m not sure if I’d still be alive or will be in the future. If anyone has questions please feel free to ask.
But basically that is my life right now along with editing and recording some videos. I’m hoping that the more skills I learn in DBT and therapy the better I will feel, and I know at that point more content will be flowing out of my easy going, self confident, self motivating ass. 😜